I started a new job at the beginning of the year. It’s been fortunate to return back to work and my career as so many people in my field are experiencing layoffs. The macro-economic reasons for this are many, but my own experience in tech has been most people are among the hardest working, most dedicated people I’ve met. It is white-collar work, which many often demean, but it is real work.

I’ve been working to rebalance life accordingly. After a year off, the extra 40+ hours I wasn’t at work was spent well. Refactoring that back into my spare time has compressed it a bit. I’m fortunate to have family, partners, and friends who are understanding of that.

With all that copious spare time, I have slipped in co-founding two separate community groups – a local polyamory social group, Keep Portland Poly; and a local Druidry Seed Group, the Oakheart Druids. Both groups are off to a great start and are growing. Community is important to me, and being able to meet the right people and partners to get these started has been an incredible blessing.

My Druidry practice has continued, and I am at the end of the Ovate grade. In the next week I’ll be taking the necessary steps to move ahead to whatever lies in store next. Living in the present has become easier; I look ahead far less than before, but I smile with glee for what is still to come.

Zefram recently turned 6 years old. He creates continually, whether drawing, writing, telling stories, or just making jokes. He loves to laugh, and I enjoy hearing his laughter and voice echo through our home. Raising him is among the greatest work of my life.

Speaking of, it’s time to get back to him. I’ll catch up later.

An overheard conversation

I live in a high rise building. It’s literally a glass tower. I see the irony of my liberal tendencies contrasted against the perils of gentrification and the increased pressure my presence raises on the people and families who settled here long before I thought of coming to California. Yet, it’s the best place for my family right now, and probably another topic for another time.

We have a viewing deck on the 18th floor. I enjoy sitting on the deck and watching planes come in to land at San Jose airport. One afternoon I took my son up there for the first time to see airplanes land.

While we’re waiting for planes to come, there is a young man and woman standing just a few feet away. I couldn’t help but hear their conversation, and admittedly, I listened.

The young man was explaining the perils of being a young man in society to the young woman:

He spoke of being afraid of what to say for fear of being misunderstood and branded mysogonistic.

He told her it is a common feeling among young men in Silicon Valley that they need to make big salaries before they will get women.

He told her about meeting another woman and starting a relationship, but when she wanted him to meet her parents, he ended the relationship immediately because he did not want her to think he was ready for marriage.

He told her how he came from a traditional family, and how he doesn’t think his parents understand today’s dating and the role of women in modern society, although he would willingly be a stay at home father.

He went on to talk about how feminism is dying, that in ten years feminism will be no more. Then in the same breath, went on to say women are taking over the world, and he just wants to be treated fairly.

This rather one sided conversation took place over ten minutes, about fifteen feet from me as I played with my three month old son.

Meanwhile, the young woman said almost nothing.

I don’t know and don’t want to speculate what she was thinking. She seemed to be a willing participant in the conversation, and I perceived the two to be new acquaintences, so I wasn’t sure what brought the two of them to the rooftop.

To my amazement, the young woman listened. She listened quietly, as I imagine many women around the world do, as men spew self-absorbed garbage about how advanced they are from the rest of their gender. I’m sure I’ve spewed my fair share of it out there – hopefully less today than when I was that young man’s age.

The Cox household was out of paper.

I had a few spare moments to make a run to Office Depot to pick up a new ream of paper. We have a network laser printer for those rare times we need to print, so I usually get the cheap store brand. It didn’t take me long to find the Office Depot brand copy and print paper at $6.79. The red packaging drew my attention.

Sitting next to it, I noticed a green packaged version, the Office Depot brand Envirocopy 30  at $8.29.  I checked the specs — 20lb bond, 30% recycled, same brightness. Sure, I’ll spend $1.50 more for a similar quality recycled product. Whatever.

I pick up what I thought was a ream of the same Envirocopy 30 paper and headed to the checkout. Going through checkout, I see $11.29 come up as the price for my ream. I take another look to see I had picked up the Office Depot brand Envirocopy 100 paper. In my well-meaning quest to strike a balance between rabid destroyer of trees and environmentally cautious consumer, I was now a whopping $4.50 over the original price under consideration.

The damage was done. I paid quickly, and was already out the door thinking about my purchase and forming the basis of this post.

Why does it cost more to save the planet (arguably)?

Producing recycled paper has additional costs over new paper production. Higher costs are associated with paper reclamation, cleaning, and pulping. A wikipedia article on the environmental impact of paper outlines the cost of preparing pulp from recycled paper is more expensive than production of virgin pulp.

Additionally, recycling certifications are added to verify to consumers the environmental benefits of the supply chain and processes used in recycled paper production. This particular product features certifications from the Forest Stewardship Council and Green-e.

How does the paper stack up?

As far as general copy/print paper goes, I personally cannot see any differences between this paper and the paper I have used in the past. There may be mild variations in durability, but nothing noticeable by the naked eye. The 100% recycled paper is bleached and smooth with no indications it is recycled. Overall, the only difference I can tell is I paid $4.50 more for the ream of recycled paper.

Summary

Was it worth it? I guess it depends on how you feel about the certification processes and the extra money diverted to the governing boards. I’d like to see a breakdown in expenses based on how much goes to the actual reclamation of paper products against the cost of certification per product, then how much overall markup is on the final product to the store. If there were any assurance that the retailer made the same amount of money from the non-recycled as the recycled, I guess that would help level the field, but from recent experiences I have had with calculating markdown from cost against markdown from price, I don’t see a world where Office Depot isn’t making a greater profit on the more expensive recycled paper.

With that in mind, next time I’ll probably just go with the 30% recycled paper product. I’m not trying to win any awards for my home use, and the price difference between non-recycled content paper and 100% recycled content paper is suspiciously exhorbitant. I’m probably getting ripped off on the 30% as well, but the difference isn’t so much I’m kicking myself for the purchase.

The best way to save on paper costs and be green is to continue reducing the amount of paper I need to print in the first place, which is getting easier. Most movie theaters can now scan tickets from my smartphone. I stopped printing photos at home. I save PDFs of things I used to print and save them to my iPad to read later. In the end, I think those go much further in being environmentally friendly than purchasing recycled paper.

Hiatus

Months have gone by since my last post. My thoughts have not changed on Trump. I announced support for Hillary Clinton after the DNC. The intervening months have only strengthened my decision.

Silence is Golden

I get quiet when there is a lot happening. Writing is usually the first thing to go when I get busy. Priorities often limit my own time for reflection. Three months is a long time for me, so something big has kept me from taking time to form words.

My wife is pregnant, and we are expecting a son in April 2017.

I just turned 39. I will be near the same age as my grandfather when my grandparents began having children. The mirror where I view my own life through my grandfather’s is pretty clear right now. There are a lot of differences; in us, in our environment, in the world. I have come to see more similarities with my grandfather than I ever would have imagined as a child.

So comes the realization that my grandfather is my primary role model for how I will be as a father. I recall him more as the family patriarch he became than the mysterious authority figure of my childhood.

It wasn’t until I was 15 when we developed the close bond I cherish today. My grandfather shared stories of his youth, of growing up in segregation, of what the town and the world was like as he remembered. He shared with me the experiences which would mold his values and reasoning that built the rules of the house where we lived.

By the time I was 20, I had a good sense of who my grandfather was and my role to build upon our family’s legacy. We had become close, but in a relationship about ten years overdue.

Awkward Evidence of Bad Timing

My grandfather had the sex talk with me when I was almost 21. I had brought a female friend back to Virginia with me on an impromptu visit. It was about 2 in the morning, in the kitchen, after she had left for the guest bedroom and before I was about to sleep on the couch. It was a surreal moment as I was long past his ability to communicate about sexuality.

As weird as it was, it was also the moment our parent/child relationship was complete. All things before led to it, and all things after that night changed.

In a couple of years, I completed school, returned home, and our dynamic changed to me as a caretaker. I drove for him when he could no longer drive. I made doctor appointments and took him to the store. When he was hospitalized and went to a nursing home, I had an accelerated experience of caring for an aging parent. Thankfully, I was not alone. The rest of our family was there for support, help, and to pick up my own shortcomings.

Preparation

I think about my relationship with my grandfather, and I think about how I want to be as a father. I want my son to experience something like the relationship I had with my grandfather at 15 when he is about 5. I want it to be better, in my own way. I am more open, and the world has been a different place for me than it was my grandfather.

I want my son to understand me through the experiences and stories I pass on, and apply things I have learned to his own life. He will be the judge of my life, as I now become the judge of my grandfather’s.

Final Verdict

My verdict of my grandfather as a parent is to pass on some of what he taught me, some of what he gave me, and some of who he was to our son. I think he would be happy with that. He wasn’t a perfect man. Neither am I.

In this tone, I have drawn upon a quote for my goal as a parent, to pass father to son.

All that I have, all that I’ve learned, everything I feel… all this, and more, I… I bequeath you, my son. You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine.

Superman (1978)

If our son grows up to have the same judgement of me, I will be happy.